I wish to see a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is just one lone firefly.
My name is Deborah. It has been a very lonely road for Kyle and Clay and myself, for the past five years. I suffered a severe mental breakdown in 2002-03. Post Traumatic Stress, and other hidden disorders. I was hospitalized, at the time of the event my boys just 12 and 13. I am the beautiful mom that made magic real, the tooth fairy, the valentine fairy, birthdays and all the Holidays. I never did drugs, smoked nor am I an alchoholic. I am a very good person, I have raised these two young men, now 17 and 19,who have prooven to be my real heros. Let me just say we have lived through the impossible the unheard of, the saddness the abondonment, and have rich memories and very deep convictions, related to positive mental health care.
I have been hospitalized on many occasions, during the past few years. Living through still a second trauma, with the most scariest ordeals that are at times inhumain, I have struggled alone.
I am always of sound mind, clear thinking and appear to be calm, happy spirited, kind hearted and extremely compassionate.
I work very hard each day to maintain composure. My children are my heartlights and they are the continueous feed that moves me to awareness in my most desparate moments.
Geez...This was not where I ever, ever, even could comphrend I would be 8 years ago.
I am productive, a workaholic, a mover and a shaker, never idol. Did everything with my kids. On my way to just being content. A nice career as a food service supervisor for a major grocerey store, a nice place to live, a nice car, my kids and I were, great.
Today, my children can't remember when I had my own house, a car, a stable life,safe and warm with my great stuff still in storage a thousand miles away, just to be all together again....living with the boys and my things that remind me of who I am, and what I am about, feels unattainable.
Now as the tears stream steady down my face... in the quiet of the room I am renting, I miss the Kyle, the Clay... I love them and miss the huge hugs that we share, the laughter, the honesty of our words. The truth of us is only in our hearts and not known to many.
They are in an envirement that I never wanted to see them in, even though it is with thier father, ( he had never participated in their life until 2007) I worry I am scared and God you know how my heart aches for them.
I dont know what I need. That little happy firefly could get me to smile.
I am grateful for all that is here and now, for all the great people who have helped me through the healing process, and continue to.
Bless the child who is of his own. Bless the mothers who compose and smile, Bless the strength of individuals who just walk forward. Bless the hearts for those who are grateful.
I wish for the sick and wounded spirits, that can find with in themselves that joyful spirit....it may be lost, or quiet, to find that one thing that tickles them everyday.
with grace and perfect ways
your daughter, your sister, your friend.
